Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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