It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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