Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
