Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
