whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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