I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
