GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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