Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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