you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
