If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
