ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
