I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
