If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
