just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Come share oat with me in your robe
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
