Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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