Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
