So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
