..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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