Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
