so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
