YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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