She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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