I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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