Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
