You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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