I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
