White coat. Heels.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
