i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
