I must be too annoying 4 u.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
