woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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