something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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