I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
