her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Mom said you looked used
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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