alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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