i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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