somebody snuck up and got me drunk
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
she smelled like a LAN party
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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