Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
