Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
