now i know why i became what i already was.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
