Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
