I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
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