I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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