Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The uberlube is also flammable
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
