How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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