i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
