The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
