Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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