True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
