Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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