you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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